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ABOUT ME

Hi!
My name is Courtney

Just a twenty-two year old trying to figure out what makes me happiest in life, starting with this blog. What about you?

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INSPIRATION

Inspiration category

All of my favorite resources for finding purpose.

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Inspiration

Court, For The Love Of God, Put Down The Planner

I was just sitting here reading the next chapter of my book when I thought I might take a break and make a little list of goals for myself. After spending a solid ten (or fifteen) minutes very, very carefully drawing out the script “Short Term Goals” in the most Instagram-worthy of text in my little notebook, I got to the good stuff. I started drawing line after little line of things I wanted to accomplish this year. I had basic ones like graduating college in May, learning and experiencing more, traveling, etc. I had specific ones like to get an apartment in a bigger city than Columbus, host my own Christmas party next winter, etc. 

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I am the definition of a planner. I plan literally everything. Not only do I get excited over making grocery lists, I’m the friend who will research and plan an entire girl’s trip in an hour (oh yes, there will be print outs of the itinerary available, as well as an emailed copy that I just sent to you). I honestly wish I was kidding but I don’t even think I’m skimming the surface. I once planned out an entire day’s worth of events for a date… anyways, moving on…

I figured I had given myself enough to work on and to keep myself motivated for the upcoming year, so I went back to reading. Low and behold, the subtitle of the next section is “Forget the Big Goal”, which I had just spent a solid thirty (sixty) minutes working on. F***. 

I thought this would be complete bull due to the fact that I picture every single successful person as being organized and having plan after plan of attack in place for every situation possible. I skeptically continued to read on about how honing in on the bigger picture goals does not allow you to get to that goal any easier. Not only did I realize that was true, but I realized that I made one of these lists every single year… multiple versions, actually… 

How many goals had I already completed and completely moved on from, immediately, due to the looming presence of the ten other goals I had listed on ten other little lines right next to that one? I can tell you. All of them. I had a sudden flashback of the past four years and memories came flooding in. I hadn’t rewarded myself for any of the tasks I had completed in the short term that had ultimately led to the bigger picture of where I am today. 

So, I sat there and remembered things. Things as little as the one day I forced myself out of bed, even though I would have done literally anything on the planet to never leave it again, in order to go into work. Things like the moment I decided I was switching my major a few years ago and felt like I was on the right track for the first time in a long time. Things like the fact that I pushed myself every single day to get to where I am at this very moment. I did that. No one else did that for me. I did it. I had never let myself say that before and honestly it felt amazing. 

No one else needed to hear the things I was grateful for accomplishing. I didn’t need to shout it off the rooftops or get anyone else’s verification that what I had done was meaningful. I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone else. I let myself sit there for a minute and gave myself the acknowledgement I should have been giving myself the entire time. For the big things and the small things, I gave myself a pat on the back, because I’ve forgotten to do that for the past few years. 

There’s absolutely no way I’m going to stop planning, let’s not get crazy here. However, I will vow to stop at the end of each week and tell myself I am proud of me for getting these amazing tasks done, no matter how menial (I am including making my bed. I hate making my freaking bed). 

Side note not only does Target have the cutest full-sized planners BUT they even have the cutest tiny ones. Yes, tiny. Like pocketbook size. You’d be right in assuming that I did buy a full sized one and a miniature one. Even though, let’s be real, I’m not nearly business enough for one planner, let alone two. But it’s so cute and tiny. (And that was an exclusive glimpse into my thought process at every store I have ever entered. Welcome to the female brain). 

Also, just to prove to you how much of a nerd I really am, here’s a little screenshot of a convo between me and my friend. Arguably, she might be just as nerdy as I am… feels good to know I’m not alone on this one. 


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Cinnamon Rolls & Mimosas

…I swear that’s not what this whole piece is really about

So, at the moment, I’m sitting here on the floor, feeling my brain shatter into a million pieces, as I frantically eat a cinnamon roll and wash it down with a mimosa as a faint attempt at a coping mechanism. This may sound like the definition of a hot-mess but I swear to God, I mean that sentence in the best way possible. Let me back up and explain myself…

Seeing as I’m about to graduate college, I found myself feeling a little lost about what the hell I was doing in life. When I say a little, I mean a lot. Currently sitting with a good GPA, plenty of experience in the field I was getting my degree in and having what I thought was plenty of confidence, I was very confused why I was feeling this way. I did what I always do when I feel confused with life. I drove myself to my safe haven, Barnes and Noble. I ended up spending more than I’d like to share on books, ranging in genre from budgeting 101 to fairytale poems. In the mix I also found the book You’re Not Lost by Maxie McCoy. This book is how I ended up on the floor, reading a text from my mom, crying (again, all in the best way possible). 

Let me preface this by saying I am only on chapter 3 so everyone hang on to see how much I can overreact by the time I’m done with this book.

 Here’s what happened (small spoiler ahead if you’re planning on reading the book, which I still highly recommend). 

Chapter 3 of this book asks you to look at your past and think about your “spark” or what has made you happiest throughout your life. The book has little activities throughout it and one of the little activity bubbles said, “call someone who has known you throughout your life and ask them what you cared about most when you were little”. Texting my mom, I thought she would reply with my favorite hobbies, like watching Annie six million times while singing and dancing along or walking down the hallway in her heels practicing my America’s Next Top Model walk, fully convinced my future 5’1 self would make it all the way (yes, that really happened). Instead, I got this…

Honestly, I don’t think I had ever been hit this hard with the truth before. Ever. It made me realize that all this pressure and anxiety I had over this huge list of goals I had created for myself wasn’t even to satisfy me. I was working so hard to get straight A’s, get the best internships, make the most of my college experience by taking on the most work and hardest classes, all for what? All just to prove not to myself, but to everyone else that I could. If no one was watching or cared, would I have done half the things that caused me to lose countless nights of sleep due to stress and anxiety? No. If it were just me that I had focused on, I would have had much different goals. Not that these goals would have been easier or harder in any way, but they would have been worth more because they would have been for me.

By the end of this conversation with my mother, I realized that my parents would have been proud of me no matter what I did or how I did it, as long as I was happy. I also realized that even if they weren’t proud of me, I would be proud of myself. Even if my mom wouldn’t have responded to me in that way, I would still be sitting here telling you to do things for you and literally no one else. Because that is who you are living your life for. Not your parents, not your friends, not your significant others, only for you. 

I wouldn’t change anything I did in the past. Yes, I took on stress and responsibility that no child that young should have had to take on. However, this led to my dad getting a second chance at being an attentive and loving father, to a new little brother I always wanted through my step family. It led to my mom meeting the man she needed, when she needed him most, and who now loves and supports me just as much as she does. It led to me being here, having the realization that it’s my turn to be selfish and to do things for myself. 

Everything is going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason. You will end up exactly where you are meant to be. 

Thank you, Maxie McCoy, for making me realize this by only Chapter 3 of your book. You’re amazing. 

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